EQ & The Art of Difficult Conversations

A three-part series on navigating highly sensitive, emotional topics with clients

by Clémence Scouten, Memoirs & More, and Emily Bouchard, Bouchard Bespoke Consulting

Introduction

When it comes to estate planning, the modern family brings additional complexity to an area of the law that is inherently complicated. In fact, expertise in the law, finance, insurance and other traditional estate planning disciplines is necessary but insufficient in today’s environment. In addition to technical skills, advisors also must be able to efficiently navigate interpersonal and emotional considerations to develop strategies that address clients’ specific requirements. 

A significant challenge lies in identifying underlying emotions, whether expressed or not. Planners must balance respecting client preferences while crafting pragmatic solutions – that often necessitates guiding clients to address emotional situations they may be reluctant to confront. Knowing how to best assess and address emotional reactivity in clients will increase the likelihood of diffusing volatile situations and circumventing potentially damaging approaches to estate planning.

To help advisors better navigate these situations, PEPC member Clémence Scouten and family dynamics specialist Emily Bouchard will present a series of three case studies focused on managing clients in emotionally charged situations. The initial case study examines a common scenario of conflicting values within a blended family. The second case study will look at ways to address situations when family discord leads to a desire to change estate structures and documents. The final installment will explore issues of trust concerning individuals who marry into wealthy families and how advisors can fuel or minimize distrust.

EQ – What is it and Why Does it Matter?

Emotional Intelligence (“EQ”) refers to the capacity to recognize, understand and manage your own emotions, as well as to recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others. EQ was first coined in 1990 in an article entitled “Emotional Intelligence” by Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer. This concept was popularized by Daniel Goleman in 1995 in his book "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ,” and has since been expanded upon by Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee into leadership contexts through books like "Primal Leadership."

EQ is increasingly recognized as a critical skill for estate planning advisors. Estate planning is not just about technical expertise, as it involves navigating deeply personal and emotional aspects of clients' lives, such as mortality, family dynamics and legacy.

Case Study 1: Blended Family Estate Plan Stuck in Limbo

(Note: Names and identifying information have been changed to protect anonymity.)

Background

Bob and Valerie have been married for thirty years. When they met, Bob was divorced and Valerie had never been married. She quit her job to help raise Bob’s two children, while he built a successful business, and they eventually expanded their blended family by two more children who were respectively 10 and 13 years younger than his youngest.

Once all the children were “launched,” with good careers and families of their own,  Bob began to think about retirement and estate planning. Their attorney, wealth strategist and financial advisor worked collaboratively to recommend the best structures and approaches to their planning, including lifetime gifting as well as various trust and life insurance options.  

Planning Begins

Their advisors provided thorough quantitative analyses and detailed descriptions of trust structures and mechanisms for transitioning wealth as well as funding their retirement and healthcare needs.

Up to this point, we can see that the planning team has performed their technical work very well. Yet the documents were never signed. Two years went by. This is when the advisors had to step away from their core competency to try to understand why the client was not responding.

The relationship manager gathered the advisory team to assess the situation. They concluded that they must not be addressing an emotional issue that was keeping the couple from moving forward. They determined that the relationship manager had the closest, most trusted relationship with the couple, and that she would be the best one to bring up this delicate issue.

EQ Conversation

The relationship manager asked to meet with Bob and Valerie for a brief estate planning update meeting with just the three of them and asked their preference for location. They chose to meet at her office and arrived at the agreed time. After exchanging pleasantries and learning about recent updates in their lives, their relationship manager initiated the purpose of the meeting:

“We’ve worked together for years now, and you’ve shared with me your future goals for your retirement years and for your family. Your team of advisors has worked hard to address your goals and provide you with solutions, and yet it has become clear that we must have missed something. We had the thought that maybe there’s something even more important to you both that we have not learned and that, maybe, you may not be aware of, that’s keeping you from signing the documents.”

Bob and Valerie looked at each other and then Valerie looked down at the floor. Bob spoke,

“This has been a major sore point for us and we are at a complete impasse. Neither of us know what to do. I am clear that all four of my children need to be treated equally in the estate, but Valerie is equally certain that they should be treated differently, since my older two have another biological mother and will likely benefit from her estate as well.”

Valerie looked up and nodded. “Yes. We are stuck and can’t figure out a solution.”

Bob asked if they should try arbitration or mediation.

The relationship manager wondered with them about what approach would be best. She asked open-ended questions, allowing them to share their own stories, and gave both Bob and Valerie time to consider and respond. Some questions she asked were inspired from a motivational interviewing training she attended and included:

Exploring Ambivalence and Values

1. "Tell me more about what concerns you most about signing these documents." 

2. "What’s important to you about how your family is cared for when you’re no longer here?" 

3. "I’m curious about how you envision your children and stepchildren responding to being treated equally vs. fairly in your estate plan." 

Addressing Resistance to Signing Documents

4. "What would need to happen for you to feel more comfortable moving forward with this plan?" 

5. "Say more about what makes this decision difficult for you." 

6. "What do you think might happen if these documents remain unsigned?" 

Building Motivation

7. "How do you see this plan supporting your family’s future relationships and financial security?" 

8. "What role do you want to play in ensuring your wishes are respected after you’re gone?" 

9. "If we were able to address your concerns, what would make signing these documents feel like the right choice for you?" 

She respectfully listened, providing attentive silence and patiently waited for them to share their thoughts. She affirmed what they each had to say and reflected back to them what she was hearing. As the conversation unfolded, Bob and Valerie shared that whenever they start to talk about this dilemma, they both get angry and resentful and they both feel misunderstood.

The relationship manager thanked them both for revealing more of their process and how challenged they were by this decision, and summarized what she heard them share. They corrected her on a few points and then requested additional support in helping them get “unstuck.”

How asking the difficult questions led to the solution

The relationship manager suggested that they might consider working with a family dynamics specialist trained in financial coaching and provided them with three referrals to contact. They interviewed all three and chose one that was also a specialist in blended families.

Through their coaching work, they explored the emotional underpinnings related to money and financial decision-making. They discovered the stories behind their values that were diametrically opposed.  Bob had been treated very differently than his three siblings in his stepmother’s estate and vowed that he would never do that to his children, and that ALL of his children would be treated EQUALLY. Valerie, on the other hand, internalized messages in her family about the importance of bloodline and felt very strongly that her two children with Bob needed to be treated FAIRLY, and therefore differently, than his two from his prior marriage.

They explored their money stories from their youth and their decisions related to career, marriage and family. They brought to life their core values that were interwoven through their significant life choices and began to see where they were more aligned than they originally thought. They reconnected about why they chose to be partners in life and what they wanted to represent for their family.

Once they clarified what mattered most to them, they were able to come up with a creative solution to their estate plan that would allow for a small percentage more to go to their two children, while not detracting greatly from the estate to be given to the older two. With the assistance of their advisory team, they created a unique estate plan format that their team modeled out for them, showing what would happen with first and second-to-die. Valerie worked with the advisors to create a detailed, color-coded version that they then presented to all four of their adult children during a family meeting with the coach and their estate planning attorney. The parents shared their process and what led them to design their estate plan in this unusual way, and their children asked questions to better understand what the design meant for them. After receiving input from their daughters and son, they signed the documents and they also initiated some lifetime giving that they had previously been opposed to exploring.

Surprising Result

Ten years after this process, the family dynamics coach received the following surprising text from Valerie:

“Hello,

You helped my husband Bob and I in 2010 by explaining our family trust to his four and our two children.  Sadly, Bob passed away six months ago, so my relationship manager, investment advisor, wealth strategist, attorney and I are implementing the trust and will provisions. So far, so good.

Thank you for your support back in 2010, because it has made this last year smooth. Otherwise, it might have been fraught with tensions and mistrust.

Through your assistance my husband and I found a satisfactory solution to a seemingly intractable problem for a mixed family trust.” 

Conclusion and Key Take-Aways

We would like to highlight a few points from this case study:

1. Technical advisors could identify WHAT was needed without having to be experts in HOW to support the couple in navigating to a solution.

2. Risking asking what might be behind a behavior such as not signing documents can lead to greater understanding of what emotions are involved.

3. Referring out to skilled practitioners in the qualitative side of planning enhances clients’ trust and engagement with the entire family.

4. Working collaboratively with a team approach provides greater insight and mutual support in the estate planning process, where the point person can change based on what attention is needed at different stages of the journey.

In the next installment we will explore ways to navigate particularly emotional issues that lead to clients wanting to change estate structures or disinherit family members.

About Emily Bouchard

Emily focuses on intricate family dynamics, family governance, NextGen education and leadership development, and the success of blended families. The establishment of her firm, Bouchard Bespoke Consulting, represents the culmination of over 20 years of experience working with ultra-high-net-worth families.

About Clémence Scouten

Clémence is the founder of a boutique personal history firm Memoirs & More, which helps individuals, families and businesses document their legacy through custom books.

Citations from the first paragraph

“Emotional Intelligence” by Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer.  https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.2190/dugg-p24e-52wk-6cdg        https://www.researchgate.net/publication/230854764_Primal_Leadership_Realizing_the_Power_of_Emotional_Intelligence

Citations for motivational interviewing:

• https://www.kitces.com/blog/motivational-interviewing-techniques-change-advice-implementation-financial-advisor/   

• https://www.motivationalinterviewing.org/sites/default/files/tnt_manual_2014_d10_20150205.pdf

• https://homelesshub.ca/resource/motivational-interviewing-open-questions-affirmation-reflective-listening-and-summary-reflections-oars/