EQ & The Art of Difficult Conversations, Part III

This is the third and final article in a series on emotional intelligence for estate planning professionals (see Part 1 & Part 2).

Purposeful Prenups: Building Mutual Trust

by Clémence Scouten, Memoirs & More, and Emily Bouchard, Bouchard Bespoke Consulting

“We had just announced our engagement and were so happy. His family threw us a party, and I was on top of the world. Until the family lawyer approached me towards the end of the party and told me we would be meeting the next week to discuss the prenup. I felt my heart drop and joy shifted to anxiety and sadness. I thought they liked me. What did I do wrong? Don’t they trust me?”

This story, some version of which estate planners and wealth managers often hear, reveals what goes wrong with traditional prenup approaches. But a future spouse’s experience of rejection does not have to be an inevitable side effect of asset protection. You are in a position to shift the outcome by adjusting how legal structures are prioritized over human connection.

Knowing how to frame the conversation at the outset can turn the prenup process from a stressful chore into a way of strengthening relationships.

Reframing the Prenup Conversation

Traditional prenups operate from a defensive position: what happens when things go wrong? The immediate result is an adversarial dynamic, transforming what should be collaborative financial planning into a negotiation between presumed adversaries.

The “purposeful” prenup represents a fundamental shift in approach. Rather than viewing prenuptial agreements as necessary armor against a potentially untrustworthy spouse, the prenup becomes a tool for building a stronger, more intentional marriage foundation. It protects family assets while simultaneously building greater trust in the couple's relationship.

The key difference isn't what gets written into the contract - it's the context of how the conversations happen and what gets revealed about the couple's shared financial future.

What Makes a Prenup "Purposeful"?

A purposeful prenup prioritizes understanding and respect. It is a mutual exercise where the couple works together to better understand each other’s expectations and motivations as it relates to money. Before anyone discusses spousal support or asset division, couples explore their deepest beliefs about money, success and partnership. This approach recognizes that financial conflicts in marriage arise from conflicting values and poor communication about money.

The purposeful prenup begins with three essential conversations that reveal the emotions and core beliefs underlying each person's financial decisions.

Uncovering Money Stories

Everyone carries a personal history with money that shapes their adult financial behavior. These stories, formed in childhood and reinforced through life experiences, often operate unconsciously but influence every financial decision.

In purposeful prenup conversations, partners share their earliest money memories: their first allowance; family discussions about spending; messages about work and reward; etc. They explore the phrases that echoed through their childhoods, such as: "money doesn't grow on trees," "never touch the principal," or "you have to spend money to make money." They listen to each other and explore how these messages continue to influence them today.

If there’s a major disparity in their upbringing, they need to consider how their backgrounds will influence, and possibly create conflict in, future marital financial decisions. Sometimes these memories can bring up feelings of anxiety, embarrassment or shame. Couples who have painful histories with money in their families benefit from having this conversation facilitated by a trained coach or financial therapist. 

Values Exploration

Moving beyond personal history, couples examine their current values around marriage, family, lifestyle and financial decision-making. This process assists the couple in seeing where they are aligned, and building awareness as to where differences exist. The key is to take the time to understand why these values matter and what each other cares about the most.

A couple might discover they both value "financial transparency" but mean entirely different things. One person might interpret this as sharing every purchase decision, while the other means providing monthly financial summaries. Both approaches reflect genuine values about partnership and communication. If there are significant differences, they will need support in further discussion and determining an approach that honors both their concerns.

Understanding Family Legacy

Family financial history extends beyond personal experience to include multi-generational patterns, and in some instances, business legacies. Understanding these larger contexts helps explain seemingly irrational financial behaviors and familial culture with money.

Consider one partner whose great-grandparents lost everything in the Depression, creating family beliefs that debt is dangerous and diversification is essential. This person might struggle to understand their partner's family history of immigrant entrepreneurs who built success through calculated risks and growing a single business into multiple locations, where all their assets were in the family business. Both approaches emerged from family experiences with financial survival and success but could create tension unless understood and respected.

The Power of the Prenup to Address Differences

Newly engaged couples often ignore or minimize differences to avoid conflict. Unfortunately,  unexamined differences can blow up later in a marriage. The best way to diffuse those emotional landmines is by learning how to communicate effectively about emotionally charged topics such as death, divorce, disability and betrayal.

Advisors play a crucial role here by normalizing these conversations and by encouraging the couple to find additional support that will provide a safe space for difficult discussions.

Case Study: When Values Collide

Consider Sheila and Paul: Sheila was an inheritor who was conservative in her money management, with a low risk tolerance. Paul was an entrepreneur and risk-taker who was comfortable taking on debt to invest in his startups. They loved each other dearly, and their only points of conflict had to do with debt and money.

Sheila’s financial advisor recommended they work with a mediator. After six weeks, they were unable to agree on the terms of a prenup due to their wildly different views on the use of debt. Sheila viewed Paul as financially irresponsible, while Paul thought Sheila was out of touch with business realities. Sheila, who funded most of their lifestyle, didn't want to be liable for spousal support if they divorced.

They were referred to a money coach to address these underlying issues that would clearly impact their marriage if ignored. The coach facilitated them through a purposeful prenup process. Together, they clarified their different values and styles, which became clear through exploring their personal and family histories.

The breakthrough came when they stopped trying to change each other and accepted each other’s approaches to money. With a goal of designing a solution that preserved both sets of core values, they worked with the mediator, two attorneys and Sheila's financial advisor. They crafted an agreement that protected Sheila from her nightmare scenario while respecting Paul's entrepreneurial nature.

The solution: Sheila made a marital gift of stock that Paul could use however he chose. In exchange, Paul waived his rights to spousal support in recognition of that gift, which could provide financial security if he chose to use it that way. Both gave up something meaningful, but their core values were not affected, allowing them to remain authentically themselves within the marriage.

Emotional Intelligence at the Negotiating Table

Once a couple is clear about their values and goals for their prenup process, the real work begins. What will be shared? What will be kept separate? And who will be responsible for what, should the marriage end in divorce? In addition, couples don’t always realize that a prenup may also assists in planning ahead for disability or an untimely death, situations that can easily create financial hardship if not thought-through.

Weaving emotional intelligence into the negotiations will support the couple in exploring painful topics and scenarios. A few approaches that may be helpful include:

• Managing family dynamics. If the prenup is being imposed (or strongly recommended) by one of the betrothed’s families, it is essential to include the couple’s values and reasoning. Try to reframe the experience from protectionist to collaborative. This shift in focus from exclusion to clarity helps both parties steward what will be significant for their marriage and for their future generations.

• Navigating difficult conversations. Emphasize that this process supports them in knowing how to talk about difficult topics, which has been shown to protect marriages from the most common reasons for divorce.

• Time and space. Provide ample time and make room for people’s emotions: have a box of tissues handy; provide water; and remind them that it’s normal to get emotional when we talk about what matters most to us.

• Normalize the process. Normalize resistance when they start sounding defensive or withdrawn – remind them how important this conversation is and that both their views matter; provide time for each of them to speak.

• Recognize when couples aren’t ready. If the couple can’t talk openly or respectfully address their concerns, they may need additional financial therapeutic support or coaching. Assure them that the intimacy they are investing in building now will serve them and their marriage long-term.

• Emotional Intelligence skills advisors can encourage:

  • Pausing and taking time-outs when things get heated

  • Five count breathing in and out to de-escalate stress

  • Regular dates to explore values and connect about important topics* (see resource list)

Practical Strategies for Advisors

Do’s and Don’ts when a client or client’s family member gets engaged:

1. Don’t bring up a prenup during the engagement party!

2. Do send your congratulations and find a way to get to know the future in-law socially before you begin working with them (for example, invite them both to an upcoming event or take them to dinner).

3. Do build rapport with them as a couple.

4. Don’t go straight to technical details and what will be covered in the prenup.

5. Do introduce the concept of a purposeful prenup and treat it like a normal next step, along with insurance and estate planning.

6. Do provide them with a recommended timeline once a wedding date is set.

7. Shift from exclusion (“you’ll never touch this”) to clarity (“here’s what can be shared, here’s what needs to be preserved”) to reduce an adversarial relationship.

8. Do promote generosity, especially when asking for legal rights to be signed away.

9. Do embed mediation/collaborative law to avoid adversarial approaches and future litigation.

10. Don’t take on emotionally charged topics alone unless you are well-trained – you will build more trust by staying in your area of expertise and recommending mediation, financial therapy or money coaching in conjunction with your technical support.

Conclusion

The purposeful prenup approach transforms a potentially divisive legal requirement into an opportunity for deeper understanding and stronger foundations. By prioritizing emotional intelligence alongside technical expertise, couples learn to navigate difficult conversations about money, values and expectations before they become sources of conflict. When advisors facilitate these conversations thoughtfully, bringing in appropriate specialists when needed, they help couples start their marriages with clarity, alignment and the tools to handle whatever challenges lie ahead.

Resources

• Article: Gray Divorce and Remarriage: The Family Part of the Family Office Just Got More Complicated (Crain Currency)

• Charles Feltman: The Thin Book of Trust

• Dennis Jaffe: Values Edge 

• 21/64 Values Cards

• Brené Brown: Values Clarification Exercise

• Arp and Brown: 10 Great Dates Before You Say “I Do”

• Piver: The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before you Say “I Do”

About Emily Bouchard

Emily focuses on intricate family dynamics, family governance, NextGen education and leadership development, and the success of blended families. The establishment of her firm, Bouchard Bespoke Consulting, represents the culmination of over 20 years of experience working with ultra-high-net-worth families.

About Clémence Scouten

Clémence is the founder of a boutique personal history firm, Memoirs & More, which helps individuals, families and businesses document their legacy through custom books.